| geez, I used to be sad. |
[Tue, Apr. 29th [2008]|04:40 pm] |
not so much anymore.
which is good, I suppose.
Hello, Internet.
I'm back. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Thu, Sep. 14th [2006]|06:50 pm] |
so yeah.
i must've ruined my reputation at thrive or something.
because i was the only one who didn't get tears or cards when i left. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Wed, Aug. 2nd [2006]|10:41 pm] |
can you believe it's been a whole year?
i can't believe it at all.
one year ago, we became best friends.
one year ago, we were enduring the worst pains.
one year ago, our worlds backfired and turned against us.
let's be best friends forever, maria. |
|
|
| freaks. |
[Tue, Aug. 1st [2006]|06:11 pm] |
the kitchen conversation
dad-can you get me some yen for tomorrow?
mom-sure, how much do you need?
dad- a hundred.
mom- .....
dad- i mean, 10,000 yen. not a hundred yen. a hundred dollars. 10,000 yen.
mom- wait, you need a hundred?!
dad- ten thousand yen
mom- a hundred dollars?
dad- ten thousand yen
mom- a hundred dollars!
dad- ten thousand yen
sarah- .....oh. my. gosh. |
|
|
| why not take a crazy chance? |
[Mon, Jul. 31st [2006]|07:44 am] |
you know what i noticed....
when i ask my mom for money, she's always hesitant to give me a 1000 yen bill, so she digs and scrounges up as many coins as she can, usually summing up to around...600 yen? that's on a good day.
when i ask my DAD for money, he immediately hands over a 1000 yen AND he asks, in a worried tone, are you sure that's all you need? or sorry this is all i have, is it enough?
and yeah, i just learned my lesson and i'm going to start asking my dad for money instead.
something tells me that he cares more about my well-being than my mom does. like, my mom only cares about saving money, not having me waste it, making sure to have some leftover. but my dad is willing to hand over all his money because i'm in need and he wants me to be well off.
that's just my conclusion though. who knows why they do what they do. |
|
|
| what does it feel like to be a ghost? |
[Fri, Jul. 28th [2006]|07:00 pm] |
i'm sad.
what else is new.
what kind of life am i living?
i have no friends.
my parents ignore me.
i watch sad movies all day and then cry in bed.
i stand on the counter and look at my fat in the mirror.
i spend my life dreaming of another life.
i need a new life.
a change of scenery.
i'd go back home, but my sister doesn't want me anymore.
no, we're not fighting.
she just doesn't talk to me.
so this is what it feels like to be a ghost. |
|
|
| give me a reason to keep this body breathing. |
[Thu, Jul. 27th [2006]|07:18 am] |
i feel so worthless.
this world will turn without me.
your world will turn without me.
i want to be someone important.
i want to be known, loved, remembered.
i'm like, that one girl you have on the side.
don't bother to call, she doesn't have much to say.
i'm that one friend you turn to when you're bored.
you only invite me because you feel bad for leaving me out.
i want to be someone that you turn to.
i want to be someone you call, just because.
i want to be someone you always want to be with.
i want to be someone you include because i'm special.
i'm not worthless. i have feelings. i deserve better.
i'm not a bad friend. i just have a lot of problems.
that's why i need friends.
that's why you don't want to be my friend.
if i flung myself off a bridge, would you really give a shit? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Wed, Jul. 26th [2006]|10:20 am] |
somehow, i always manage to let someone down.
no one is safe from it.
i will disappoint you, no matter who you are.
i DO feel bad, but for some reason, i feel as if it's some requirement.
like, life is expecting me to let someone down and if i don't let someone down within a certain amount of time, it makes sure that it happens.
it'll push me to the limit, where i have to back down and someone will be hurt.
i hate this.
but since i claim that it's required of me, it's like i'm letting go of any responsibility over it.
"oh no worries, i'm required to let him down, so i shouldn't attempt to stop it from happening."
yeah. right. good going.
this needs to stop.
but i don't want it to stop.
i'd rather let people down because my life requires me to always feel like one huge disappointment.
okay yeah whatever. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Tue, Jul. 25th [2006]|05:10 pm] |
sometimes i just want to kick myself.
i spent a whole night, crying about how wrecked i am and how much i need to change. i made list after list of what i could do to turn my life around. i was fully motivated for a good five hours to break away from my bad habits and start doing things right.
yeah.
no longer motivated.
(why does this have to be so damn addicting?)
i know i'm just throwing my life away, but i just caaaaaan't break away.
i can't. i won't. whatever.
i hate my world.
i hate this loneliness.
i hate my parents.
i hate my reflection.
i'd give anything to be a part of his world.
wait. how did i get onto that subject.
everything always leads back to him.
it's like we're fucking meant to be.
if he only knew who the heck i was.
i wish my parents were vegetarians.
it would be so much more easier to .... eat. |
|
|
| deal with the pain. then come back. |
[Mon, Jul. 24th [2006]|10:57 am] |
i wish i could hug you and make the world disappear.
i wish we could go back and be best friends.
i wish it didn't have to end this way.
i hate to say it and i'm sick of sounding selfish, but i know i deserve better.
i KNOW i deserve BETTER.
i will never forget you.
as much as we both want me to, i will never forget what you've done to me.
good and bad.
if i could forget, i don't think i'd want to.
i want to remember everything about you.
and i'm not sorry.
i'm not sorry at all.
this sounds terrible, but it's all your fault.
i will not apologize for your actions anymore.
i'm done cleaning up your wretched life.
you're on your own.
but you're not alone.
i'm on my own too.
remember that.
remember me. |
|
|
| be my friend forever. |
[Sun, Jul. 23rd [2006]|01:55 pm] |
he predicted the future.
and was right.
what a brilliant boy.
he knew they'd be everyone's favorite band.
he knew they'd be loved, not for their music.
and he was absolutely right.
i wish i existed in his world. |
|
|
| stupid stupid stupid |
[Tue, Jul. 18th [2006]|03:07 am] |
i don't like her because she stabbed me in the back.
i don't like him because he's a complete idiot.
i don't like him because he hurt me way too much.
i don't like her because she can't shut her damn mouth.
i don't like her because she was never really my friend.
i don't like her because she is a faker.
i don't like him because he thinks he knows everything.
i don't like him because he needs to learn when to shut his mouth.
i don't like her because she talks about me.
i'm just a fun topic of conversation for most.
screw it. i don't need "friends" like that. |
|
|
| someone to remember, to keep in my heart. |
[Mon, Jul. 10th [2006]|04:04 am] |
he was my boyfriend for a day in sixth grade.
he asked me out on the playground. i said yes.
we ran back to our separate groups of friends.
i wore my hair down that day.
that afternoon, i told my parents. my dad informed me that i was not allowed to date.
my sister and brother laughed at me. "who would go out with you? haha."
the next day i told him that i wasn't allowed to date.
he wasn't listening to me.
his friend was making faces behind me.
i told him it was over and walked away.
he didn't look at me for a week or two.
last day of school. last day of elementary.
i was crying when the last bell rang.
he came over and gave me a hug.
two years and eight months later.
he finds me on campus and walks me to my next class.
fifth period math. M205.
out of his bag, he pulls a teddy bear.
he hands me a card.
i read the card during class.
he never wants to forget me.
he wants to be my friend forever.
two years and four months later.
i'm unpacking boxes in my new room.
i pull out the teddy bear.
i remember him.
i jump online and send him a short note.
he has a girlfriend. he really loves her.
i've never been happier for him.
we'll never be together.
but i don't ever want him to stop being my friend.
i never want to forget him.
he's way too special. |
|
|
| we will pick you up and throw you away. |
[Mon, Jul. 10th [2006]|01:30 am] |
you know what makes me laugh?
when "upperclassmen" post those bulletins addressing "all freshmen".
it's chock full of threats, 'don't think you're so great just because..." comments, and little warnings.
the funny part is....that the upperclassmen are telling the freshmen that they're lame and immature, when the upperclassmen, who think they are SO GREAT and SO MATURE just because they passed all six classes and were moved up to the next grade (whoop-dee-fucking-doo.), are acting like bitches and god-like and, in a sense, immature themselves.
if you are SO mature and SO great, why the hell are you telling people to "stay out of your way"? wouldn't the MATURE person give freshmen tips and tricks to surviving their FIRST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL?! swallow your damn pride and superiority and BE NICE and HELPFUL. with that, you'll find that you have way more friends of ALL AGES and way way way more respect from your peers.
ha ha ha. |
|
|
| sit back, relax, relapse. |
[Mon, Jul. 3rd [2006]|11:23 pm] |
i've begun to write a story. a complicated, twisted story.
you call it morbid. i call it real.
it feels like honesty is a thing in the past.
why are you hiding from me?
just tell me the DAMN TRUTH.
do you love or hate me? make up your mind.
i don't want to ask anymore.
i shouldn't have to ask anymore.
i swear i won't ask anymore.
if i could write a song, it would be about you.
life can be so difficult.
"i hope i broke your heart.
never speak to me again
because i don't give a shit
about your tears and/or hurt
and i never will
so, dear, never speak to me again."
boy oh boy. we've got one emotional little brat on our hands.
ramble ramble ramble.
don't pollute my mind with your nonsense lies.
i don't want to hear it, no, i don't want to hear it.
i'm going to take a picture of my hand. there's this line in a song that would go perfect with it.
"the bruises and contusions will remind you what you did when you wake."
i finally know what he's talking about.
i sit here and wonder if i'll ever be happy with them.
i don't think i will. no matter how hard i/they try.
it's too late. i've resented your absence and now i resent your presence.
it took me awhile to write that line. those words are hard to spell when you think too hard.
is this post too long for you?
it always seems like someone leaves before i'm finished talking.
as if my thoughts don't matter at all.
well, if you don't give a shit, then why the hell are you here? |
|
|
| i love you, boy. |
[Mon, Jun. 26th [2006]|03:33 am] |
what a sad boy. i wish i knew him. if i knew him, i would call him. i would meet up with him and give him a hug and make him feel wanted. no one deserves to be so sad and disappointed with life. but i don't think i'll ever have more contact with him other than the few words i can type at a time. he's unreachable, someone beyond my league, someone everyone knows of. his status ranks high while i walk around unnoticed and undiscovered. yet i long to be his friend. he seems like an okay guy. depressed and emotional, but someone i could pass time with. we wouldn't make the best pair. we're not the same, we're not opposites. the only thing we hold in common is the refusal to let go of our regrets. he's depressed and i'm angry. he's lonely and i'm willingly isolated. he's a boy and i'm a girl.
he's a celebrity and i'm just another face.
we wouldn't be the best of friends, but at least i'd know if he is okay.
i love his smile. he should smile more.
give him a reason to smile, world. please. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
whatgirl_xo's journal